


Dan's Thoughts

by BlackDragon2016



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Sad Dan Howell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-16 07:57:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11249451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackDragon2016/pseuds/BlackDragon2016
Summary: This is the progression of Dan's thoughts from before he met Phil to after. Phil helped him realize how to be happy in life and to start believing he was worth so much more then he could've imagined.





	Dan's Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys... It's my first time doing any piece of writing just expressing pure thoughts of a character. I thought it turned out pretty good, but I would appreciate it if you all tell me what you think of it in the comments so I know whether I should do something like this again.

I'm broken. A fucking scratched record. Don't come too close please. I'm stupid. I won't tell you, but I hate myself. I can't be happy. Please don't leave me. I need your help but I won't ask you for it. I want the stars, but I've lost the motivation. The sudden sadness comes without warning and stays too long. I'm a mess. Leave me be, I'm weak and unimportant. I won't let you see it behind my eyes. Every secret is behind tightly locked doors. I don't trust you, and I never truly have. I hate you all. I don't want to be left alone. You scare me. So in turn I'll do my best to never like you. I'm too insecure. Don't ever mention it.

I hate not being able to help myself. I will never tell you exactly how helpless I feel. I won't tell you anything important about myself. You don't know me. I don't know you. None of us really knows each other. Don't leave me alone with my thoughts. But don't stay too long. Don't look at me. Don't judge me.

Pretend I have it together. Pretend I'm strong. Pretend I'm fine, please.

But I don't care what you think, so nothing matters anyways. Let's play pretend, okay? Please.

I'm just joking. What's it to you? I hate you. Go away. I don't want you to remember me. Forget it. Answer me when I need you. I'm too needy. Don't forget me. Do you even know me? I'm too much work to figure out. I really don't care anymore. I won't ever tell you anything. My thoughts are depressing. I'm too scared to say anything.

Turn the other way. I'm not here. Nobody really likes me. I'm an ass. Don't forget me. Remember everything I say. I need you to understand me desperately.

Pretend I don't need anyone. Pretend I don't need you. Pretend I'm fine, please.

But I don't need you, so this doesn't matter anyways. I'm going to pretend I hate you now. Go away.

Why haven't you left yet? You don't know what I honestly think about you. Your efforts on me are wasted. I hate you. Go away already. Stop smiling, you look awful. I don't want your happiness. Don't give up on me. I hate you. I just want to be happy again. I'm broken.

Why should my happiness matter to you anyways? Whatever. You don't know me. Don't go. I want your help, but I won't ask for it. I hate you.

Pretend I hate you.

I'm feeling a bit better. You can go now. Stop hanging around. Don't forget me please. I need you to understand, but I won't explain it. I won't tell you anything. You can go now.

You are still here. Why? I want you to like me. But I know you never will. I'm stupid and broken. I hate your smile. I'm helpless. I'm not fine. I haven't been for a long while. Don't try to help me.

Pretend I can do this on my own, please.

I can't be happy, don't you understand? Why are you still here? You scare me. I'm scared that you'll hate me, so I'll hide everything. I'm too complicated to be bothered with. Do you get it now?

I don't need this. But stick around please. Don't leave me alone with my thoughts. Do you understand it now?

Pretend that I still hate your smile.

I wish I could be as happy as you, but I won't ever say that. I don't want to sound weak. Pride is my downfall. I know I'm a terrible person. Don't judge me. I couldn't handle you hating me.

You really expect me to believe that you're here because you like me? Don't lie to me. I'm never gonna tell you anything ever again. You can't be trusted. Go away. But don't forget me, or I think I might break. I really think you should go now while you still have the chance.

I'm sorry I got you caught up in my problems. I hate pity. I don't want it. You're still not leaving, and I badly want to believe that you like me, but I can't believe that because I'm a terrible person.

Pretend that I'm not relying on you.

Can you help me? I need help, but I'm not going to tell you my problems. I keep all of my secrets behind locked doors, so you'll need to figure me out. I know, I know. I'm stupid. Stop smiling at me. That's such an ugly smile.

I think I like you. But I'm scared you'll leave me now. So I'll try my best to hate you. But I can't hate you. I've tried. What is the secret to your happiness? Will... will you show me?

I want to always be around you. I'm scared you'll tell me to leave. I wouldn't blame you. I hate myself. Your smile lights up your eyes, did you know that?

Pretend I'm not terrified.

This is new to me. It's weird that you like me. I'm really annoying and my voice is too. I can't believe you like to listen to me talk when I can barely stand myself. I'm thankful that you're here. I'll never tell you how thankful I am, though. Your face is adorable. I like how our hair is matching.

I think things are better. You've helped me enough, I think. Really. I still don't trust anyone else, but I'm okay with my reflection. You can leave now. I don't want you to go. I can't be happy on my own. You smile and I smile. You help others and I help others.

Pretend you're not my only friend.

The days seem to zoom past. I still don't understand why you aren't tired of me yet. I'm so happy to be around you. You keep showing me new things that make me uncomfortable, but I'll try for you. I looked up your old videos. They made me cringe. But in a good way. I'm laughing as I watch them. I kind of like the idea of YouTube. No, everyone would hate me. I can't bear their mean remarks. They would all be true.

Don't look at me with those pleading eyes. Keep looking at me, it does funny things to my heart. I'm not going to be in a video with you. Nobody but you likes me. They'll see everything wrong with me. The way you're looking at me makes me want to try it. No, I'm not likable or clever enough to be on your channel. If you keep looking at me I'm going to melt. No, I wont do it. Fuck, I'll do it if you're by my side.

Pretend for the audience.

I looked horrible in the video. I liked being in it. I want you to ask me to join in on another one, but I won't tell you that. It was fun. It won't last though. None of your fans will like it. Stop trying to cheer me up. I already know what will happen.

Don't tell me they liked it. Don't lie. I want to believe you and all the comments. I'm not wonderful. I smile a bit when you look at me with your adorable face. Tell me you want me in another video. No you don't. Why would you want me in another? I'll be in it if you want me to.

Pretend I'm not getting my hopes up.

I love being with you. I'm not scared you'll leave me anymore. I shouldn't get my hopes up. I love your humor. I love your kindness. Why can't I be funny like you? I want to make videos. That's ridiculous. Are you sure I can do it? I think I'll try it.

I'm enjoying it. Other people say they like watching me. Why do they have to lie? I want to keep doing it. I'm laughing even more by your side. Colors are brighter when you're around. I like the dark better. I'm lying. You make me happy.

Pretend I'm not falling in love with you.

I want to take you somewhere. That's a stupid idea. You like me, but not enough for that. Why would you? I'm just me. I'm less than special. I want to see your smile. I want to hear your laugh. I want to hold your hand. No I don't. You don't want to either. What a stupid dream.

What do you mean? You're asking me? No, this isn't real. This is a cruel joke. Yes, I'll go with you. I can't believe this is happening. You smile and I smile. You hug me and I hug you back. You kiss me and I'm completely in love with you.

This is way better than pretending.

I'm not perfect. I'm seeing bright colors everywhere. I'm not weak. I want to keep making videos. I'm going to keep making them. I can stand. Because of you, I can stand. I'm not a broken record. I'm working on getting better. I can do this, because you're with me.

I'm done with pretending.

 


End file.
